It’s been a long time but..

I’ve been ill! yep allll this time.. chest infection, viral infection.. yuk yuk yuk! Boy’s have been ill, hubby has been ill.. the only thing that got away with any bugs is our dog!!

I’m having a few issues with my anxiety recently 😦

Nothing too overpowering but nevertheless it’s still getting me down.

I’ve noticed i’ve started to worry all the time again about illness, death, sickness etc. When I wake up my heart is pounding .. my first thoughts are ‘what’s wrong with me? something is wrong.. i’m not well’

Because hubby has been off for 2 weeks due to being ill i’ve had him to lean on.. he’s helped with the boy’s etc. But he goes back tomorrow.. i’m sure i’ll be fine.. I will be fine, but well I don’t know…

I’ve been really emotional too.. I think I’m grieving alot more now over the loss of my Grandad too..

I long for day’s where I just wake up and feel ‘normal’ or just worry about the usual stresses like housework or running late.. instead of those worries as well as ‘i’m ill, i’m dying’ .. it’s just all too much and absolutely exhausting..

I’m eating terrible at the moment though too.. I have done since I fell ill.. I’ve craved crap food!.. comfort food.. which has no doubt made me worse.

Some day’s I feel completely lost and like I’m just exsisting.. plodding along waiting to die.. literally that’s how I feel sometimes. Like my mind is saying ‘you’re ill’ so I feel like I have to take that in, accept it and then well.. just wait to die.

I can’t really explain it. Sometimes I watch my boy’s and my husband and think ‘how will I tell them’ .. all this when I havent even been told myself that I’m seriously ill.. It’s absolute madness..

Madness.. but my madness.

I have a condition.. Health Anxiety.

It’s just one of those thing’s.

I don’t want it.

I don’t want to live with it.

But I have to.

Don’t get me wrong I havent thought about going back on the tablet’s. I feel very down at the moment but i’m sure that being ill for so long isn’t helping atall.. i’m sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. This time I am actually poorly though.. it’s not all in my mind.  But is some of it?.. this is where I get confused?! Am I really ill? Did I really shake and shiver last night feeling cold because I have an infection or is it anxiety? Do I really have this headache? or is it all in ‘my mind’ .. have I created these feeling’s of sickness and pains in my tummy? Am I creating this cough?.. It’s so hard to know what’s what when you have anxiety… I know I can’t be causing or making all of it happen ie my cough.. but some of it maybe it’s my fault?

You see this is where it get’s even more difficult – you then start to blame yourself for feeling unwell. You then want to scream and tell yourself to snap out of it .. but you can’t because your poorly.. it’s a viscious circle..

I definately need to try and relax. I need to stop thinking and looking into things too deeply. I need to ‘accept’ i’m feeling unwell and wait for it to pass. Then once it has I can work on my thought process and have a more positive approach..

I have to go now. I hope everyone is ok.

I am ok, and I will be ok, so don’t let this put you off of coming off of your med’s.. I don’t feel that I’ve done the wrong thing. I’m now ‘alive’ in a way that I have emotion. So i’m able to work on how i’m feeling. On medication on noticed that I had no ‘feeling’ couldnt cry etc.. I didnt realise just how numb I had become.. numb but mellow.. so no problem. But while you feel that way you can’t actually deal with how your feeling because .. well you don’t really feel?.. it’s not like that for everyone but for me it was.

I really will try and post up here more often again.. I have missed not being on here… but i’ve struggled to find the energy too..

Take care and feel free to message with how your doing..

Smiles.,

Sarah xxx

Yuk yuk yuk!!!

I’m STILL poorly arrrrgh!! I’m meant to be recording tomorrow, there is no way I’ll be able to if my throat and cough doesn’t magicallly dissapear tonight or tomorrow morning!!

Anyway, hello!! I wanted to quickly post up on here something about a couple of people who emailed me personallly about there experiences. I’m hoping you’ll know who you are and that you’re still reading this.. I just want to let  you know that i’m not ignoring you.. I no longer have your details to email you back!!

I hope everyone is well and getting through there withdrawal.. I’d love to hear from some of you guys to see how things are going xxxx

Take care and smiles

Sarah xxxx

Sorry ..

I haven’t been on here for a while.. it feel’s like ages but It probably hasn’t been that long.

Hubby has a chest infection.. I have a viral infection so it’s pretty yucky at tho moment..

Feel soooo drained and look awful. I sooo want to concentrate on my music but haven’t had the energy. I’ve done bit’s and pieces here and there but I can’t sing at the moment.. my throat is so sore!

When I woke up this morning it was really weird as I was thinking about my tablet’s and then thought ‘hang on a minute.. that’s it.. I live without them now!’ – It made me smile.. I felt a tad anxious for a split second but that just proves how your mind can work. The second I thought I was living without them I panicked thinking something might happen.. It’s like it’s a natural way of thinking.. You convince yourself that you need them.

I don’t even know how long it’s been now but I don’t feel the need to count. The tablets are in the cupboard and im not using them!! yay!! – I feel like CRAP but only because of this bug I have..

I went to the doc’s yesterday just to check that my chest was clear.. I saw a wonderful WONDERFUL nurse who I spoke to about lumps and bumps etc. I told her that I was scared to check myself for any. She was fab.. she told me that she herself had breast cancer five years ago. She looks amazing.. and had such a beautiful way about her.. just lovely and smiley and ‘alive!!’ – She told me to book in with her and even if it takes 20 mins to half an hour for her to help me with checking then that’s what we’ll do.

The thought of it scares me .. but I know that its so important.

I’m not sure i’ve ever mentioned in my blog that I have a huge fear of touching around my chest area.. its like some kind of phobia.. Ever since I was a little girl. If someone coughed and patted there chest it would make me shiver. It’s weird and I dont know where the fear/phobia has come from. SO as you can imagine I really struggle with even just the thought of examining myself for lumps.

Its a fear I need to conquer though. The nurse inspired me.. she was truly amazing and I liked her instantly. So my next ‘to do’ thing on my list is to book an appointment.. I’ll be terrified without a doubt.. like I say the thought of booking an appointment makes me shake.. but I have to do it..

I hope everyone is ok. Im going to try and get out for some fresh air today, I feel rubbish!! and hope it will help. Poor boy’s around sickly parents.. it’s no good 😦

Take care everyone and keep looking up..

I read something the other day that stuck with me..

‘Try or do something new.. just one thing.. every day.. what have you got to lose? you will only gain from the experience..’

I’m going to try and do that myself.. I can imagine it would make you feel alive and refreshed!

Maybe i’ll start jotting down something new each time on here.. i’ll start once I feel better though!!

Smiles

Sarah xxx

Breathe..

Hey everyone xx

I said I’d post up again last night and I never did. I’m getting into a habit of not typing up in the evenings. It’s not intentional.. i’m just so tired.

Anyway its 10pm and I’ve been having some kind of weird thing going on with my breathing today.. I’m sure its nothing but me being me I worry. I found that I couldn’t take a deep breathe.. you know when you take a deep breathe normally.. you breathe in, then over and out.. well I can’t do the ‘over’ bit lol – this is sounding ridiculous but that’s the only way I can explain it!

It’s been a funny kind of day. That has been worrying me, but I did notice that if I concentrated on something else it would pass. This probably proves that it’s a nerve thing.

Myself and hubby have been busy setting up a facebook page, myspace.. twitter and all that Jazz for my music.

We’re both sitting here now though, slightly deflated because we were planning on working on some recording but the equiptment wouldn’t work .. really annoying!

Anyway, although I haven’t yet posted any of my music up I thought I’d share the link with you if ever you want to know what it is that I work on (once I actually get round to putting my stuff up!! ) It also has any events or gig’s I might do…

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/IrisGreen/157237314290972

I need as many people to ‘like’ my page as possible to show I have support.. if anyone who read’s this want’s to do that then feel free!!

Don’t worry im not going to turn this blog into a big ‘vote for Iris.Green’ frenzy. I guess i’m just a little hyped up about it at the mo and want to do all I can to get the support.

I really hope that this is going to be a good thing for me, and not something that will end up stressing me out even more. It’s my dream to sing and I want to follow that dream,  so i’m not going to let anxiety or worry get in the way.

I’ve felt a bit on edge today.. but you know what’s nice. I forget that i’ve come off of my tablet’s.. It’s been so long now that I must be over the withdrawal.. I’m so proud of myself for that.

I hope everyone is getting on ok.. and if not then you keep on fighting.. you will beat it and you will get there in the end I promise you.. follow your dreams too.. if you don’t have any then start dreaming!! Honestly.. give yourself something to aim for..

Reach for the stars…xxxx

I Did It!!..

I got through!! I had my audition today and got through!!

I can’t believe it really.. after how crappy i’ve been feeling… ah how nice is that!

I had a terrible night last night, row’s with my Son. Then he was really poorly through the night 😦 I still managed to get to the audition and did it !!

Its in Bedford – my next audition is Live and in front of a panel of judges and audience.. wow!  Hey I have 25 tickets to sell and need all the support I can get!!! My act name is Iris.Green.. if anyone is interested in coming to support me then let me know!! I have 25 tickets to sell at £7.50 each.. I’m still yet to get a support group on facebook and myspace.. I have nothing sorted!! I need to get my music recorded properly and work harder!! 

Email me if you’d like a ticket!! – sarah.james373@yahoo.co.uk.. hehe how cheeky is that! But I need support!!!

I’m so so tired and going to get a little lie down before hubby gets back from the park with the boy’s. Will type up more later.. i’m on a bit of a high mixed in with feeling very tired!!!

Love to all xxxxx

Frustration.com!

Hey everyone xx

Today I am so frustrated.. Yesterday was a BRILLIANT day!

I took big man to school and he looked lovely! Was so proud. I took lil man to have his hair cut then got thing’s sorted for a party we were invited to for after school. Took the boy’s to the party even though I didn’t know anyone, I met a girl so was chatting the whole time I was there.. the boy’s had a fab time.. It was just a lovely day.

Then toward the evening I felt myself feel more and more tired.. Ok so this is what happens after a busy day. Both boy’s were in bed by 9.. it’s the little one that was late and alway’s is!!  But it was earlier than usual. So me and hubby had the evening to ourselves.

I was useless.. couldn’t be bothered to talk and literally felt that unless I was propped up I’d fall over. I told hubby that I wasnt feeling that great and went to bed about 11pm. The second my head hit the pillow I was asleep..

I woke up at 7.40am.. late! – Rushed out of bed not knowing where I was.. you know that feeling you get? Managed to get big man to school on time and then went to Mum’s for a tea. My throat had felt all swollen and yucky since I got up and again I just felt generally run down. I sat at Mum’s and felt ok for a bit but gradually I felt colder and colder and more tired then to add to it I had stomach cramps and an upset tummy. I took some paracetamol and headed home with little man. Mum was telling me not to worry and that i’m probably just worried about something causing my anxiety.. It could be anxiety but not everything can be that surely?

I felt my head and cheeks burning but I felt cold inside. So I got little man’s bottle and we went to bed. We slept for an hour and a half solid. Again I fell in such a deep sleep..me being the person I am, I worried about that.. why am I sleeping like that?? am I just tired or is it something more serious? then back to the lump…

On waking up I still felt rough.. cold, hot in the face, upset tummy. So I decided to try to eat something..

I feel like I’ve lost all energy again and feel crap. I could cry. Why just one good day? What’s up with me now?

I spoke to my Sister briefly.. I know that my family get fed up of me being or saying I’m ill all the time.. but It’s not like I want to be like this or I enjoy it.. I bloody hate it!

And it’s a case of cry wolf, because I feel like there is always something wrong.. when will people believe me or at least why would they, if I had something seriously wrong? Everything is down to anxiety.

I told her how I felt (she’d wished she never asked no doubt) Sis just said to get a bath to get my temp back to norm and try to get busy. I said that sometimes my head aches around where that lump is and she seemed a bit irrate with me. She mentioned a friend of her’s who has had cancer so many time’s has now been told he has it again, and that there are real people out there suffering with cancer. So to make the most of my life. I can understand the frustration but my reply was that I hate being the way I am. I told her that I don’t choose to be this way and I can’t stand being this way. It is a waste of life with constant worry that there’s something seriously wrong with you.. however I’m not belittling those with serious illnesses.  It sound’s more irrate than it actually was. But it did make me feel sad.. I don’t want to go on about how poorly I feel.. But I don’t feel well today.. it’s not just a case of being able to get on with it. Although I am starting to wonder if I’m on my own too much now. If someone else was here I’d just get on with it. But while I’m on my own then I have time to worry.

Anyway, that’s my day so far.

Crappy.

I’ll be ok though.. Mum mentioned my upset stomach being on my change of diet which is true. So I’ve had weetabix and then beans and cheese on toast for lunch.. just something with a bit more fibre in.

Sorry that’s so irrelevant!

Ok, let’s hope that I’m better for tomorrow.. I mentioned the audition was today but it’s actually tomorrow – thank goodness.

Those of you that might be religious.. can you include me in your prayers.. I’m tired of feeling this way 😦

Smiles and Hugs

Sarah xxx

Hellooooo!!!

Hi everyone! Wow what a difference in me today!

Ok, so the last few day’s I’ve been making a concious effort in eating healthy.. not for diet reasons.. far from it really, but mental reasons! Might sound a bit odd but..

Here’s the changes i’ve made :

Old Diet :

Rice Krispies/Coco Pops/Cheerios with Semi skimmed milk (BIG bowl)

Tea (sometimes de-caf) with 2 sweeteners

Dairy Milk and/or biscuits

Tea 2 sugars milky x 2

More biscuits, crisps, kid’s yoghurt random snacks and junk I can find

Tea 2 sweeteners

A dinner of some sort but no veg really, probaly baked beans.

More chocolate in the eve.

Actually, on looking at that, although I was eating heaps of sugary thing’s it doesn’t seem that much food.. (to be honest I struggled to remember what I had) 

Anyway New Diet

Yoghurt with strawberries, grapes, banana

Camomile, vanilla & honey tea (lovely!)

Chopped up carrots or cucumber just to snack on, maybe a handful of cashew nuts.

Green tea (not so nice tasting but can definately feel a boost of energy after it.. and its healthy!)

Tuna/ham sandwich (ok so not so healthy) loads of spinach leaves, 4 tomatoes, lots of cucumber, grapes

and then something for dinner too.

Basically, my point is.. i’m eating food’s that i’ve read up are healthy. The spinach leaves and nuts and tea are a whole new thing to me, my skin is pretty pants at the minute but I DO feel much more healthy. Just with taking away the sugar’s.. sweeteners are crap for you as well as sugar. Sugar thrives off infections too.. so if your run down or coming down with something.. sugar won’t help.

I think my skin has got worse because i’m flushing my system out a bit what with no caffeine and very little sugar other than in the fruit.. although that’s natural sugars so it can’t be that bad for you.

Aaaanyway, my point in saying all of this is that we look into everything about why we feel the way we do. But how many of us look at what we eat? – It sounds sooo boring doesn’t it.. not to mention hasstle of changing food’s etc. But even if you make tiny changes it will be a start. I’m not finding it difficult atall… and every night before I go to bed (ok so only for the past 3 day’s) I’ve been able to tell myself that I am healthy inside.. thus helping my worries of being ill. I am putting ‘good’ food’s inside my body… and that create’s ‘good’ thought’s.

It’s worth a try.

I went singing last night with my very good friend. I love singing and songwriting is a hobby of mine. Anyway, we have an audition in Bedford tomorrow – we are doing separate thing’s but i’m looking forward to it.. I don’t even know what it’s for really.. I could end up on Cbeebies or something lol! Although I wouldn’t say no to that 🙂 My Son’s would love it!

I can’t remember what I wrote in my previous post, I haven’t read through it today.

But I wanted to let you all know that TODAY IS A GOOD DAY.. last night was good too.

I do think that I had a bug or something though what with my headache’s .. I felt really crappy. It may have been withdrawal.. either way those day’s have passed and here’s to some happy one’s!!

Love and smiles to all! xxxxx

Phew…

.. this morning I woke up with a really sore throat and a bit of a cold.. I think I’ve been coming down with something for the last few day’s now.. hopefully this will be the end stage!

Anyway, after a quick shower I sleepily stumbled down the stairs, reached up to the kitchen cupboard and on opening it everything fell out on the kitchen surface, me and the floor.. I just stood there, wet hair, puffy eyes, sighed and scrambled around for something I could take.. yay! there it was.. the bright green and yellow box with the word ‘Lemsip’.. I had found my best friend!.. something I can hopefully take to wash away the final crappiness of the way I feel.

So, I’ve had my fruit and yoghurt, I’m sipping away at my lemsip, the boy’s are already grabbing at my leg and calling my name.. here’s to another day…

I don’t have my headache though !! so that is a huge bonus!

Right, I have to go and change a nappy, get the boy’s dressed and get out to sort some school uniform out for tomorrow!! I can’t believe I didn’t know what day my Son was due back to school… Summer hol’s for 6 week’s and I’m all over the place with what happen’s when. If it send’s me like that, how’s my lil man gonna feel on going back tomorrow?? Shock to the system me think’s.. I’ve always thought six weeks was too long off school… well since I left that is 🙂

Smiles and talk later

Sarah xxx

Finally..

I’m so sorry, it feel’s like I’m not putting enough time into my blog at the moment. I’m suffering with really bad headaches and feel like I’m only just managing to get through the day.

My mood has lifted this afternoon. I felt all insecure and panicky again this morning.. I’m noticing this feeling is creeping back.. but I won’t fall into a trap of thinking that ‘that’s it’ .. it doesn’t mean it’s back for good. I still have to take each day at a time.

With these headaches I have no idea if it’s anything to do with withdrawal.. I can’t imagine it would be.. although I have no idea how long withdrawal lasts?

I’ve felt really run down recently with very little energy. I have still been eating way more than I should, but have stocked up on healthy food’s, lot’s of fruit and veg and even some nut’s/seed’s as I read they can be good for you too. I’m starting to look up food’s that give you energy and can lift your mood also help with anxiety. There are lot’s of thing’s you can give a try. Apparently if you up on thing’s like magnesium which can be found in pumpkin seed’s and leafy veg etc then it helps with low mood’s. I’m afraid I can’t list them now as I don’t remember what they are off the top of my head!

I’m drinking camomile tea too.. it say’s that it helps with relaxing it’s also good for peaceful sleep’s apparently. Although I had one of those tea’s before bed last night and woke up with a horrific headache. I can only assume it’s tension and stress. I was told that even though we are asleep, our anxiety doesn’t just switch off which is why we can still wake up anxious and worried.

I mentioned my Grandad earlier on today. I didn’t get chance to finish what I was saying. Basically when Grandad passed away, although I cried.. I don’t feel that I have ever really accepted it or come to terms with it. I hadn’t cried enough.. if that makes sense? Although I know some people don’t. But obviously the med’s really block out your emotions. So now, I’m crying at everything from Eastenders to Come Dine With Me and even cartoons.. hubby sometimes look’s round and say’s ‘your not.. you are!’ .. and there I’ll be with tears rolling down my cheek.

When I visited the cemetery.. I stood.. I stayed silent.. then I sobbed. I still tried to hold back the tears, but I really didn’t want too.. part of me just wanted to break down and completely completely let myself go and release every single tear possible. But it’s not that easy.. I walked back to my car, sat down and put on a song that I knew would enable me to savour the moment of sorrow.. missing him. I wanted to hold onto the feeling.. grab it with both hand’s. I didn’t want to shove it aside or hold back.. I could feel the tension from my head get lesser and lesser..the more I cried the more I felt relieved. 

To think of all the emotions in my lifetime so far that I’ve kept bottled up, ‘just because it’s not the right time’ or ‘I have to be the strong one’.. no wonder I have headaches.  Each time I cry I’m relieved.. it’s like a drug, I feel an addiction to wanting to cry.. just to let it all out. I’m hoping that after it all.. I’ll feel lighter.. I feel tense right now and like I’m carrying so much baggage around with me.

I don’t have time to read this back so have no idea if it will make any sense at all.

Apart from my headaches, lack of energy, constant eating and my anxiety creeping back up with worries of my health.. I’m not doing too bad lol. 

I’ll be ok .. we have to be don’t we? .. It’s sink or swim sometimes.. I’ve never been able to swim but I’m going to definitely keep afloat.

I think we need to also tell ourselves ‘ok I feel shit today.. but that’s OK’

I’m going to watch crap tv for half an hour and then get some sleep (she say’s .. I always have every good intension to get an early night but I’m useless and never do)

Let’s hope for a headache free day tomorrow!!

Smiles

Sarah xxx

Feel’s like i’ve been away for ages..

but I haven’t  – Just been through alot mentally I think!

I’ve been suffering with really bad headache’s for the past few days and they don’t seem to shift.

I went and visited my Grandad’s graveside on Sunday… He passed away in February. He was like .. actually i’m fed up of saying ‘like’ a Father to me to people. He WAS a Father to me.  I miss him more than word’s can say. 

Can’t talk much now. Little man has just woken up will update later xxx